???

how's it go? (rhetorical question, do not answer. -- you cannot answer --)
lately i've been trying to find meaning and a Purpose; this was such a counter-intuitive travail that, for a while, i thought i'd actually found it: meaning absolute, something to stand by for found in... the search of meaning itself.
yeah, i pretty much did the goals and life meaning equivalent of plugging a power strip into itself; and thought i was some sort of misunderstood savant for it. . . life can be pretty funny hhehe

that said, i will say that my past self was misguided in the best possible of ways. there's a certain order to everyone's life -- nobody can truly affirm it, let alone affirm that of others --: mine is one mostly made up of tension and constant planning for survival (regardless of whether this survival is largely fictitious or not); and if the threat i conjured in my mind exclusively threatened itself instead of me or anybody else, then i think past me did a pretty cool job. anyway, i suppose that's just life