to: ricetoast
it's not about self-esteem: it's not about what you think you're capable of achieving or not, nor is it about what you think you (don't) deserve out of life.
though these may be factors, they are all eventually superceded by self-awareness: you're not scared of finishing the work, you're scared you will finish it.
you're so scared you will finish it and that it will start all over again, that nothing will change, that you'll fall into your old mental schemes and commit the same mistakes, that time will loop: that past, present and future will all admix into an impossible hue; and that once you become so used to that palette, the resulting painting will finally be something you cannot expect.
i'm sorry things turned out the way they did, but once it's begun, it never stops; it will continue when you dream and when you distract yourself, it will grow even stronger if you defy it, in fact. it'd be a shame to stop so early when there's so much that needs to be done, and so much that can be done.
...whatever, good luck!
p.s: kill yourself soon